Self-esteem

When people keep telling you that you are amazing, I guess at some point you'd have to believe it.

Feminism 101 - TAPS Presentation

Lesson 1: Feminists come in all personalities.

A few decades ago, feminists were fighting for rights to an education, rights to work, rights to vote. The world has been conditioned to see feminism as a movement that demands more power for the women. And yes, that is what feminism is, but we do not want power over men. We want power over ourselves.

Today, the word feminism brings to mind strong women. CEOs. Ministers. Working women who demand equal roles and equal pay. There’s even a saying that goes "A truly equal world is where half the nations are ruled by women."

The western media on the other hand portrays feminists, or rather feminazis, as women who oppose femininity all together.

Amidst these 2 extremes, is me.  My ultimate goal in life looks a bit more like this. And I am a feminist.

"Erm, that doesn't look very feminist at all, Vijeya. That looks like the exact opposite!"

Well, not all confident, competent women want to be CEOs. Some want to be housewives.

Lesson 2: Feminists are not against men.

Feminism is often misconstrued because of its name. Being a feminist is being against patriarchy, not against men. But why feminist? Why not gender activist? Being a woman is not easy. I'm sure being a man is not easy as well, but I am a woman.  And all I know and truly care about is how hard it is to be a woman. I feel strongly about such issues and I relate to the label feminist.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean that I'm against every other cause in the world. I am also a gender equality activist. All feminists are, although some feminazis are not. If someone claims to be a feminist but doesn’t support gender equality, then that person is not exactly a feminist but someone who supports women’s causes.

Lesson 3: The right NOT to be.

Feminism is respecting people for the individuals that they are. It doesn’t mean that all women need to be working and earning on par with men. It means all the women who want to work and earn, should be able to. And all the women who want to be Indian housewives, should be able to.

People feel feminism is irrelevant in Malaysia because women can vote, drive, work, own property, etc etc. In my opinion, gone are the days when feminism meant fighting for rights, rights and more rights. Today, feminism means having those rights, but also having the choice not to exercise them.  

I have all those privileges women fought for years back. But people laugh at me when I share with them that my biggest ambition in life is the exact opposite of a highly driven career-woman. Another example, perhaps closer to home. 

Feminism has been about wearing more unconservative clothes for so many years, that today we need to fight for our rights to wear conservative clothes.

Lesson 4: The patriarchy is very deeply ingrained in our minds.

Modern men and women always say that our society no longer discriminates women, we’re no longer patriarchal. But…

What is your honest opinion of men like this? Would you encourage this behavior in your son?

Where did we get the concept of what a boy should sound like, walk like, dress like? Who are we to decide that this is natural and this is unnatural? Who cares if it is a phase, or biological, or due to influence? Why is it not socially acceptable? Boys are expected to dress and act like boys, because whatever society deems feminine is unacceptable on boys.  I can wear a pant suit to work, but a man will not wear a dress even to the pasar malam. 

Let’s think about the reverse: What do we think of girls who are tomboyish? Are they on the same level as men who wear dresses? The patriarchy lives in our heads.  If you call a boy a girl it is an insult. Why is it an insult to be a girl? Why do men and women need to fit into a mould that is socially constructed? The argument also extends to transvestites, cross dressers, homosexuals, etc etc. I am not saying all men should embrace femininity. It's just that sometimes we need to remember that our perspectives of gender and sexuality are socially constructed.

Lesson 5: Women want to be treated like women, not men.  

This is a so called smart reply to feminism. A lot of arguments against feminism online take this form. If you want equality, take it! They say. Feminism and gender equality does not mean men and women are treated exactly the same.  We are not the same. We are different biologically and otherwise. Feminism is about respecting those differences. Gender equality does not mean being a jerk. This brings us to our next lesson:

Lesson 6: Sometimes, women have it worse than men. Way worse.  

Be wary of comparing woman’s problems to men problems. Not all of them are comparable. This particular example is just nonsense, but it has been circulating on Facebook a lot, with many of my male friends agreeing with it. We are more than happy that you didn’t sexually harass us, we’re not going to complain that you didn’t hold open the door. Another example, recently men have been claiming to be victimized by feminist. They say that women demand that society do not stereotype them, but we stereotype all men as monsters. However:

All women structure their lives around not getting raped, not getting assaulted. We walk in pairs. We hold our car keys as weapons when we’re alone in the car park at night. We text our friends when we get home. We text the taxi number plate to friends/family. We’re scared all day every day.

Lesson 7:  The ‘Nice Guy’ is not nice, and the ‘Friendzone’ does not exist.

Another internet phenomenon. The term Friendzone is used when a girl labels a very sweet, ‘Nice Guy’ who treats her right just as a friend, and nothing more. Why is a girl obligated to be in a relationship with a guy just because he’s nice to her? And why is he disappointed that she isn’t attracted to him romantically? If you can’t be nice to a girl without expecting something in return, then you are not Nice. And girls are allowed to have platonic friends. Who she falls in love with is her business. Guys who complain about being in the ‘Friendzone’ are not ‘Nice Guys’.

Lesson 8: Feminism is relevant

Even today, even in Malaysia. Here’s a look at the population gender split. 

And here’s a look at women representation in top positions. 

And here’s women representation in the cabinet.

Why does this happen? Because we raise girls differently. We instill in them that the household is their responsibility, that teaching and nursing are more appropriate careers. It is not ladylike to be loud, it is not safe to be too outgoing. We make jokes that women are too emotional to be leaders. 

Random fact: PMS makes a woman’s estrogen levels drop, making her less of a woman and more like a man emotionally. If women are not fit to lead due to fluctuating moods, men are not fit to lead anytime of the year.

Look in your homes, in your friend’s circle. Society has different expectations on men and women. Society needs to change.

Lesson 9: But remember, our society, is you.