Beautiful words

Jisko hai kho jaana, woh milta hi kyun hai
Dil ko hai murjhana, toh khilta hi kyun hai.

Those who are to be lost, why do we meet?

The heart which is to wilt, why does it blossom?

பிரிவென்றால் உறவு உண்டு அதனாலே வாட்டம் இல்லை

Estrangement validates that we once shared a relationship, thus I feel no sorrow. 

Why my playlist so emo T_T 

Also, my english translations make me cringe. No where near the original awesomeness. 

Asura: Tale of the vanquished

I have been slightly obsessed with imagining the Mahabharatham from the Kaurava perspective, and found a book called Ajaya by Anand Neelakantan, which is exactly what I was looking for. Asura is by the same author, telling the perspective of Ravana and his people on the Ramayanam.

But alas, the book was meh at the most. Ravana's tale is a tragedy from start to end. His character makes many blunders, and if he were  real, such a person would never have been made king, never have the support of so many people to take on Rama's army.

The romanticized idea in my head is that the antiheroes of these epics are only seen as such because they lost in the end. Anand Neelakantan's Ravana would have been portrayed as he is now regardless of him losing the war. Compared to  Ravana in the book, I think the original story of a great man who just made the mistake of lusting for Rama's wife is more redeeming.

The Ravanan in my head wanted to avenge his sister. Lust was not his goal, hence why he didn't harm Sita. He really did believe Rama and Lakshman to be villains. Whether or not they were villains is not of any concern. Ravanan's story is the tale of a king who happened to lose a great war. 

You have to forget in order to remember

You know all those gratitude challenges? The ones where you pledge to find something to be grateful for in each day? In which you have to remember to be grateful. If you have ever done one of those, then you'll know that some days you have to settle for being grateful for being alive and call it a day.

I've had those days, we all have. You just can't find the silver lining sometimes. And then, I came home. I came home and I got an amazing job. It doesn't sound very amazing, nor does it sound interesting. But it is. And I no longer have to remember to be grateful.

Everything from the free parking, to the cheap food, to the work culture, to the diversity of my role. I work far away, but I wake up later than some people who need to beat traffic.  I can have a life. I know what I'm working for, and that reason is not profit (a gazillion gratitude points for this one!). I have a room, with a door I can shut. People respect your time and energy. You are more important than a deadline. The deadlines are reasonable to begin with.

One day I'm writing a welcoming address for a minister, one day I'm caught up in statistic formulae, one day I'm reading academic papers. One moment I'm lost in a world of spreadsheets, and another I'm playing peek-a-boo with my colleague's toddler. Who knew I could be so content being a research officer in a department I never knew existed.

I spend most of my days learning, and some of them teaching. And I no longer have to remember to be grateful.

மறந்தால் தானே நினைத்திட 

Today's rant.

So much on my mind. Thoughts for today:

1. Religion is personal.  I have never had to define my religion or show proof of my faith to anyone, not even myself. I accept my religion with ambiguity, and it's easy to do being Hindu. Our epics cover both sides of any story you could think of. Being Hindu makes it easier for me to see how ridiculous it is to police religion. Don't police religion, just don't.

2. Malaysia is not an entity separate from its people. "Malaysia is racist, Malaysia has messy politics, Malaysia has no career opportunities." You are Malaysia. If you are unhappy with the way Malaysia you are, do something! Or at least don't ridicule people who are trying to.

3. Yes, there is racism in Malaysia. No, racism does not automatically mean the Malays are being racist towards the non-Malays. When you whine that your child got full As but a Malay with lesser As got the scholarship because of quota, you are being racist. Just because the student is Malay does not render him/her less deserving of the scholarship. A lot of factors play a part in scholarships. Deal with it. And yes, Malays deal with racism too. Races are not racist. Individual people are racist.

4. Freedom of speech is not freedom to pass offensive remarks.

5. It's so easy to complain. All the people who criticize the state of things in Malaysia are so oblivious to the fact that it is they who must change. They need to change their 'know-it-all' attitude, they need to start investigating facts instead of perpetuating stereotypes.

6. Stop making everything about Article 153. My kid didn't get a scholarship because Article 153. Non-Malays can't get good jobs in the government because Article 153. I want to emigrate  because Article 153.

7. Teach children to be nice. To be understanding. Raise them free of racial, religious, gender stereotypes. Raise them proud of their culture but not critical of others.

Rant of the month:  Omg, you work with the government? I'm sure there aren't many non-Malays. Do you wear baju kurung to work? Do they air prayers on the PA? What do you eat, you poor thing.

Yes the majority of my colleagues are Malay-Muslim, because last time I checked, the majority of people in this country were Malay-Muslim. Yes, I wear baju kurung sometimes because I have nothing against the outfit plus it's so comfortable. No one makes me wear it, and even if they did, so what? You pergi kerja pakai saree ke? We all conform to uniforms/ dress codes. By the way I could totally wear a saree if I wanted to. They air prayers on special occasions, but being Hindu does not mean being against Islam. Plus they pray for the well being of everyone at the office (me included), ain't nobody mad about that. And I eat food. Yummy, cheap, food.

The joy in teaching

I'm revisiting high school maths to help a friend catch up before classes commence for her masters course - drafting out lesson plans beginning with the BODMAS order of solving equations, to basic algebra, a sprinkling of calculus, leading all the way to compound interest and annuities. Only one lesson down so far, but she's proving to be a fast student. Of all my mini math tutoring stints, this one is definitely the most noble and most joyful, as she is going back to study after more than a decade of being a mum. So, being humble is out of the question, I so damn proud of this!

It is such a wonderful thing to help someone out. To put our knowledge and skills to good use. For surely there is no use in being knowledgeable if you don't use said knowledge to further someone else's understanding.

Take pride in the number of people or causes we have helped with our knowledge, not the possession of knowledge itself. 

மலர்கள் கேட்டேன் வனமே தந்தனை

One surprise after another. After so many last minute decisions and changes, I'm finally posted to The National Institute of Valuation, an educational institution cum research centre.
I get ALL the things that I was trying to choose among:

• A door into the Public Service,
• Corporate professionalism,
• leadership development,
• international involvement,
• a career in education
• some dabbling in the actuarial field.

A little bit of everything thrown in with the thing I want most, an opportunity to advocate change. The following year is set to be the perfect crash course in everything I need to go about that.

Once again, Big Boss knows best. And he'll know what to do with me when the year ends.

நல்லதோர் வீணை செய்தே, அதை நலம் கெட புழுதியில் எறிவதுண்டோ எரியவில்லை!

Wanting to make a difference

I would really appreciate the chance to make a difference. But good intentions are not enough. On one hand the government has few vacancies relevant to me, a long wait before I get a job (if I even get it, that is) and a lot of protocol and hierarchy and a culture that doesn't heed the opinions of someone of a lower position/age. On the other hand are issues I feel so strongly about and that dull ache in my heart pushing me to do something about it. Just something. ANYTHING.

"I should like to be able to love my country and still love justice." -Albert Camus

Ruby slippers

Settle abroad. 

The work culture is much better.

You will have better opportunities there.

You really should get a PR while you can.

Malaysia will never change. Go overseas.

Why are you coming back?

You will regret it later.

Your kids will be better off.

Give me one good reason how Malaysia is the better choice.

Why should I have to defend my desire to stay in the country where I was born and brought up? Why do I have to come up with a rational reason for loving my country? Why are people (random strangers included) so bent on convincing me that there is no hope in Malaysia? 

You can write me a 10 page essay on the benefits of moving to Sydney, and I may take your word for it and uproot my  life and move abroad. But one lazy Sunday morning, I will wake up and crave nasi lemak from a road side stall in Sitiawan, and I will regret it. And I'm not willing to take that chance for now. 

There's no place like home. 

The Little Prince

“I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings."

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” 

“You see, one loves the sunset when one is so sad.”

“Where are the people?” resumed the little prince at last. “It’s a little lonely in the desert…” “It is lonely when you’re among people, too,” said the snake.”  

“I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- tame?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties." 
"To establish ties?" 
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....” 

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Kun faya kun

My favourite answer to every question.

It's hard to be upset or disappointed when you know that no choice/dream/goal/decision you can possibly make will ever be better than His. So let it all go, because there's only one person you can't afford to lose, and He isn't going anywhere.

Grateful