Self-esteem

When people keep telling you that you are amazing, I guess at some point you'd have to believe it.

Feminism 101 - TAPS Presentation

Lesson 1: Feminists come in all personalities.

A few decades ago, feminists were fighting for rights to an education, rights to work, rights to vote. The world has been conditioned to see feminism as a movement that demands more power for the women. And yes, that is what feminism is, but we do not want power over men. We want power over ourselves.

Today, the word feminism brings to mind strong women. CEOs. Ministers. Working women who demand equal roles and equal pay. There’s even a saying that goes "A truly equal world is where half the nations are ruled by women."

The western media on the other hand portrays feminists, or rather feminazis, as women who oppose femininity all together.

Amidst these 2 extremes, is me.  My ultimate goal in life looks a bit more like this. And I am a feminist.

"Erm, that doesn't look very feminist at all, Vijeya. That looks like the exact opposite!"

Well, not all confident, competent women want to be CEOs. Some want to be housewives.

Lesson 2: Feminists are not against men.

Feminism is often misconstrued because of its name. Being a feminist is being against patriarchy, not against men. But why feminist? Why not gender activist? Being a woman is not easy. I'm sure being a man is not easy as well, but I am a woman.  And all I know and truly care about is how hard it is to be a woman. I feel strongly about such issues and I relate to the label feminist.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean that I'm against every other cause in the world. I am also a gender equality activist. All feminists are, although some feminazis are not. If someone claims to be a feminist but doesn’t support gender equality, then that person is not exactly a feminist but someone who supports women’s causes.

Lesson 3: The right NOT to be.

Feminism is respecting people for the individuals that they are. It doesn’t mean that all women need to be working and earning on par with men. It means all the women who want to work and earn, should be able to. And all the women who want to be Indian housewives, should be able to.

People feel feminism is irrelevant in Malaysia because women can vote, drive, work, own property, etc etc. In my opinion, gone are the days when feminism meant fighting for rights, rights and more rights. Today, feminism means having those rights, but also having the choice not to exercise them.  

I have all those privileges women fought for years back. But people laugh at me when I share with them that my biggest ambition in life is the exact opposite of a highly driven career-woman. Another example, perhaps closer to home. 

Feminism has been about wearing more unconservative clothes for so many years, that today we need to fight for our rights to wear conservative clothes.

Lesson 4: The patriarchy is very deeply ingrained in our minds.

Modern men and women always say that our society no longer discriminates women, we’re no longer patriarchal. But…

What is your honest opinion of men like this? Would you encourage this behavior in your son?

Where did we get the concept of what a boy should sound like, walk like, dress like? Who are we to decide that this is natural and this is unnatural? Who cares if it is a phase, or biological, or due to influence? Why is it not socially acceptable? Boys are expected to dress and act like boys, because whatever society deems feminine is unacceptable on boys.  I can wear a pant suit to work, but a man will not wear a dress even to the pasar malam. 

Let’s think about the reverse: What do we think of girls who are tomboyish? Are they on the same level as men who wear dresses? The patriarchy lives in our heads.  If you call a boy a girl it is an insult. Why is it an insult to be a girl? Why do men and women need to fit into a mould that is socially constructed? The argument also extends to transvestites, cross dressers, homosexuals, etc etc. I am not saying all men should embrace femininity. It's just that sometimes we need to remember that our perspectives of gender and sexuality are socially constructed.

Lesson 5: Women want to be treated like women, not men.  

This is a so called smart reply to feminism. A lot of arguments against feminism online take this form. If you want equality, take it! They say. Feminism and gender equality does not mean men and women are treated exactly the same.  We are not the same. We are different biologically and otherwise. Feminism is about respecting those differences. Gender equality does not mean being a jerk. This brings us to our next lesson:

Lesson 6: Sometimes, women have it worse than men. Way worse.  

Be wary of comparing woman’s problems to men problems. Not all of them are comparable. This particular example is just nonsense, but it has been circulating on Facebook a lot, with many of my male friends agreeing with it. We are more than happy that you didn’t sexually harass us, we’re not going to complain that you didn’t hold open the door. Another example, recently men have been claiming to be victimized by feminist. They say that women demand that society do not stereotype them, but we stereotype all men as monsters. However:

All women structure their lives around not getting raped, not getting assaulted. We walk in pairs. We hold our car keys as weapons when we’re alone in the car park at night. We text our friends when we get home. We text the taxi number plate to friends/family. We’re scared all day every day.

Lesson 7:  The ‘Nice Guy’ is not nice, and the ‘Friendzone’ does not exist.

Another internet phenomenon. The term Friendzone is used when a girl labels a very sweet, ‘Nice Guy’ who treats her right just as a friend, and nothing more. Why is a girl obligated to be in a relationship with a guy just because he’s nice to her? And why is he disappointed that she isn’t attracted to him romantically? If you can’t be nice to a girl without expecting something in return, then you are not Nice. And girls are allowed to have platonic friends. Who she falls in love with is her business. Guys who complain about being in the ‘Friendzone’ are not ‘Nice Guys’.

Lesson 8: Feminism is relevant

Even today, even in Malaysia. Here’s a look at the population gender split. 

And here’s a look at women representation in top positions. 

And here’s women representation in the cabinet.

Why does this happen? Because we raise girls differently. We instill in them that the household is their responsibility, that teaching and nursing are more appropriate careers. It is not ladylike to be loud, it is not safe to be too outgoing. We make jokes that women are too emotional to be leaders. 

Random fact: PMS makes a woman’s estrogen levels drop, making her less of a woman and more like a man emotionally. If women are not fit to lead due to fluctuating moods, men are not fit to lead anytime of the year.

Look in your homes, in your friend’s circle. Society has different expectations on men and women. Society needs to change.

Lesson 9: But remember, our society, is you.

Asura: Tale of the vanquished

I have been slightly obsessed with imagining the Mahabharatham from the Kaurava perspective, and found a book called Ajaya by Anand Neelakantan, which is exactly what I was looking for. Asura is by the same author, telling the perspective of Ravana and his people on the Ramayanam.

But alas, the book was meh at the most. Ravana's tale is a tragedy from start to end. His character makes many blunders, and if he were  real, such a person would never have been made king, never have the support of so many people to take on Rama's army.

The romanticized idea in my head is that the antiheroes of these epics are only seen as such because they lost in the end. Anand Neelakantan's Ravana would have been portrayed as he is now regardless of him losing the war. Compared to  Ravana in the book, I think the original story of a great man who just made the mistake of lusting for Rama's wife is more redeeming.

The Ravanan in my head wanted to avenge his sister. Lust was not his goal, hence why he didn't harm Sita. He really did believe Rama and Lakshman to be villains. Whether or not they were villains is not of any concern. Ravanan's story is the tale of a king who happened to lose a great war. 

You have to forget in order to remember

You know all those gratitude challenges? The ones where you pledge to find something to be grateful for in each day? In which you have to remember to be grateful. If you have ever done one of those, then you'll know that some days you have to settle for being grateful for being alive and call it a day.

I've had those days, we all have. You just can't find the silver lining sometimes. And then, I came home. I came home and I got an amazing job. It doesn't sound very amazing, nor does it sound interesting. But it is. And I no longer have to remember to be grateful.

Everything from the free parking, to the cheap food, to the work culture, to the diversity of my role. I work far away, but I wake up later than some people who need to beat traffic.  I can have a life. I know what I'm working for, and that reason is not profit (a gazillion gratitude points for this one!). I have a room, with a door I can shut. People respect your time and energy. You are more important than a deadline. The deadlines are reasonable to begin with.

One day I'm writing a welcoming address for a minister, one day I'm caught up in statistic formulae, one day I'm reading academic papers. One moment I'm lost in a world of spreadsheets, and another I'm playing peek-a-boo with my colleague's toddler. Who knew I could be so content being a research officer in a department I never knew existed.

I spend most of my days learning, and some of them teaching. And I no longer have to remember to be grateful.

மறந்தால் தானே நினைத்திட 

அக்னிக் குஞ்சொன்று கண்டேன்

அக்னிக் குஞ்சொன்று கண்டேன்
I found  a young/small spark of fire
அதை அங்க்கோர் காட்டிலோர் பொந்திடை  வைத்தேன்
And I planted it in the hollow of a tree in the forest
வெந்து தணிந்தது காடு
The forest burned to ashes
தழல் வீரத்தில் குஞ்சென்றும் மூப்பென்றுமுண்டோ
For does the rage/courage of fire know the difference between  young and old.

மஹாகவி பாரதியார் 

The great poet, Bharati

I found within me a small spark 

And I shall plant it in the hearts of young people around me

Its flames will eventually reach the world over

For does revolution know the difference between  young and old. 

Timeless thoughts

சுட்டும் விழிச் சுடர் தான் கண்ணம்மா சூரிய சந்திரரோ
வட்டக் கரிய விழி கண்ணம்மா வானக்கருமை கொலோ

The blazing flames that are your eyes, are they the sun and moon; 

And the round black spot in them, from the darkness of the sky.
பட்டுக் கருநீலப் புடவை பதித்த நல்வயிரம்
நட்ட நடுநிசியில் தெரியும் நட்சத்திரங்களடீ

Your silk dark (blackish?) blue saree, with its embedded diamonds,

Like stars seen in the darkest hour of the night.

சோலை மலரொளியோ நினது சுந்தரப் புன்னகை தான்
நீலக் கடலலையே நினது நெஞ்சின் அலைகளடீ

The radiance from a garden of roses, your beautiful smile;

The blue waves of the ocean, the curves of your bosom / the waves of your heart. 

கோலக் குயிலோசை உனது குரலின் இனிமையடீ
வாலைக் குமரியடீ கண்ணம்மா மருவக்காதல் கொண்டேன்

The song of the koel, the sweetness of your voice;

Young maiden, Kannamma, I am in love with you. 

சாத்திரம் பேசுகிறாய் கண்ணம்மா சாத்திரம் ஏதுக்கடீ
ஆத்திரம் கொண்டவர்க்கே கண்ணம்மா சாத்திரமுண்டோடீ

You speak of rules, Kannamma, but what for?

For rules don't apply to people overcome by passion.

மூத்தவர் சம்மதியில் வதுவை முறைகள் பின்பு செய்வோம்
காத்திருப்பேனோடீ இது பார் கன்னத்து முத்தமொன்று

With our elder's approval, we will observe the marriage rituals later,

How am I to wait till then? Here, a kiss on your cheek. 

மஹாகவி பாரதியார் 

The great poet, Bharati

Guys of this generation need to step up their game. 

Today's rant.

So much on my mind. Thoughts for today:

1. Religion is personal.  I have never had to define my religion or show proof of my faith to anyone, not even myself. I accept my religion with ambiguity, and it's easy to do being Hindu. Our epics cover both sides of any story you could think of. Being Hindu makes it easier for me to see how ridiculous it is to police religion. Don't police religion, just don't.

2. Malaysia is not an entity separate from its people. "Malaysia is racist, Malaysia has messy politics, Malaysia has no career opportunities." You are Malaysia. If you are unhappy with the way Malaysia you are, do something! Or at least don't ridicule people who are trying to.

3. Yes, there is racism in Malaysia. No, racism does not automatically mean the Malays are being racist towards the non-Malays. When you whine that your child got full As but a Malay with lesser As got the scholarship because of quota, you are being racist. Just because the student is Malay does not render him/her less deserving of the scholarship. A lot of factors play a part in scholarships. Deal with it. And yes, Malays deal with racism too. Races are not racist. Individual people are racist.

4. Freedom of speech is not freedom to pass offensive remarks.

5. It's so easy to complain. All the people who criticize the state of things in Malaysia are so oblivious to the fact that it is they who must change. They need to change their 'know-it-all' attitude, they need to start investigating facts instead of perpetuating stereotypes.

6. Stop making everything about Article 153. My kid didn't get a scholarship because Article 153. Non-Malays can't get good jobs in the government because Article 153. I want to emigrate  because Article 153.

7. Teach children to be nice. To be understanding. Raise them free of racial, religious, gender stereotypes. Raise them proud of their culture but not critical of others.

Rant of the month:  Omg, you work with the government? I'm sure there aren't many non-Malays. Do you wear baju kurung to work? Do they air prayers on the PA? What do you eat, you poor thing.

Yes the majority of my colleagues are Malay-Muslim, because last time I checked, the majority of people in this country were Malay-Muslim. Yes, I wear baju kurung sometimes because I have nothing against the outfit plus it's so comfortable. No one makes me wear it, and even if they did, so what? You pergi kerja pakai saree ke? We all conform to uniforms/ dress codes. By the way I could totally wear a saree if I wanted to. They air prayers on special occasions, but being Hindu does not mean being against Islam. Plus they pray for the well being of everyone at the office (me included), ain't nobody mad about that. And I eat food. Yummy, cheap, food.